Nature's Kick Up The Backside
by Vaneria Potter
Summary: Imprinting sounds nice in theory, but like all other things, it has it's problems. Big ones...
1. Kim

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or any of the associated characters. All credit goes to Stephanie Meyer._

_Summary: Jared's imprint might have had the least drama, but that didn't mean it was easy._

* * *

**KIM**

When Jared Imprinted on Kim, he had been asking for to borrow a pencil while they were waiting for the teacher to show up for class. He looked at her, and _saw_ her for the first time. Asking for a pencil had turned into asking her out for ice-cream, which had been greeted with what Jared considered far too much confusion.

To him, Kim was the most beautiful person in the world, even if he had taken forever to look twice to notice it. Kim wasn't the classic Indian beauty like Emily was, but she was still lovely in her own way, and yes, Jared did realize how sad it sounded when he made up the whole new 'Look-Twice' category for kinds of beauty.

Luckily, the teacher was known to be late a lot, so they managed to skip out for him to explain. Not so luckily, Kim was not taking his stumbling explanation very well. "So, if you hadn't imprinted, you probably would have continued not noticing me?"

If Jared hadn't been busy trying to orient himself after gravity shifted with the Imprint, he might have noticed the strong hint of frozen steel in Kim's voice. Then again, boys can be dense. "I don't know. I probably would have noticed you eventually, but – "

He finally caught on to the fact that his Imprint looked nowhere near as happy as he did. In fact, she looked downright _pissed._ "Um, is something wrong?"

Kim was a quiet girl, and Jared a Spirit-Wolf born to fight and protect the Tribe, but right now, she was actually a bit terrifying. "What could be wrong? The boy I had a crush on for years just admitted that if it hadn't for some mystical power forcing him to fall in love, he would have continued right on not noticing that I exist! I want to be with someone who loves me, not someone who is with me because they don't have a choice!"

When you put it like that, it did sound pretty bad. "Wait, Kim, it's not like that, I swear! Look, I don't know all the details of how or why it happened, but – "

They were passing the gym, and Kim had just reached for a cricket bat. Jared wasn't quite oblivious enough to miss the unspoken message, and backed out of range. Kim sighed. "Look, I need time to think about this. I'll talk to you at lunch tomorrow."

She left, and Jared slumped into a seated position. That could have gone a lot better. On the other hand, it also could have gone a lot worse. At least Kim didn't hate him for breaking her cousin's heart in the process.

* * *

Unfortunately, Sam agreed with the last point, and told Jared to stop moaning about it. Emily was slightly more sympathetic, but only told Jared to give Kim time, and find out all he could about imprinting and about being a Spirit Wolf.

Sam agreed with that, too. If he and Emily had known about anger being the trigger to accidental phasing, they both would have known to keep a distance in the argument that had resulted in Emily's scarring.

* * *

Kim had calmed down a little when Jared kicked the rest of the Pack from their usual table and gave her one of Emily's muffins as a peace-offering. "So, explain everything you know."

She had calmed a little, but not entirely. Having spent most of the previous night at Jacob's house, grilling Chief Black about everything he knew. "OK, so, it's a genetic thing, which activated whenever the tribe is in real danger from something we can't fight. Imprinting is supposed to be really rare, though, so there isn't much known about it. I asked the elders last night, and they told me what they could, and Chief Black is going to be re-telling the legends for the pack next weekend. Can you wait until then? I'm really not good at explaining things."

Kim nodded. "You proved _that_ yesterday. Fine, I'll wait, and you can take me out for ice-cream, but if this turns out to be some kind of joke, I will tear your balls off and feed them to you! Is there anything else I should know before then?"

Was there anything else that he knew that wouldn't freak her out? Was there anything about being a Spirit Wolf that she might find cool? Oh! "Um, when we're in wolf form we share a sort of pack mind. It lets us read each other's thoughts, which is really useful for when we're patrolling."

Jared's heart soared when Kim's eyes grew wide, then plummeted when they narrowed again. "You read _all_ of each other's thoughts? No privacy what-so-ever?"

Fine, so there were downsides, but it wasn't all bad. "We're working on that, but it's mostly a good thing."

Kim didn't comment on that. "Fine. But until you find a way of blocking the thoughts that you want to keep private, you aren't getting past first base."

Jared didn't get the connection at first, so Kim was nice enough to elaborate. "_You_ might get to see the colour of my underwear one day, but the rest of your pack doesn't. Them seeing your thoughts would be worse than if you spilled on purpose, because you wouldn't have been able to control it, and the intimate details of whatever relationship we have would still be spread all over half the school."

Oh. That would be kind of humiliating for a girl who was already notoriously shy. Hopefully the Bonfire Party would give some answers, or he could just ask Sam about the best ways of not thinking about your Imprint while on patrol.

He would probably lose his Guy Card for saying it, but he could handle not going past kissing until he learned to control his thoughts.

Wait, that sounded way too much like the Jedi Master from _Star Wars._

_sm_

_sm_

_sm_

_sm_

* * *

_A/N: Imprinting might sound nice, and I prefer to think of it as Nature giving a bunch of adolescent boys (who do tend to be a bit dense about these things – most of my best friends at that age were male) a metaphorical slap up the head/kick in the arse to help them along. However, Stephanie Meyer and most fanwriters seem to have missed the host of issues that would have resulted from the various scenarios. She told us about the problem with Sam and Emily, but left out everything else._

_Anyway, you are all free to disagree with that. Good or bad, please let me know what you think._

_Thanks, Nat_


	2. Renesme

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or any of the associated characters. Frankly, I don't _want _to own Stephanie Meyer's idea of Imprinting. It's just creepy._

_Summary: Finding your soul-mate in the daughter of the girl you've been obsessed with for two years. Because that won't cause psychological issues AT ALL._

* * *

**RENESME**

Though he knew that they would have the conversation sooner or later, Jacob couldn't help but wish for the time to be 'never'.

He loved Renesme, but knew that the upcoming conversation was going to be awkward and painful. He could admit now that Bella's attraction to him had been the desperation for someone who would care for and stay by her no matter what, later feeling that she somehow owed him for being a rock when she floundered in a sea of heartbreak. Sometimes, he wondered if his sincere, deep friendship for Bella had not been simply that, but escalated to be mistaken for love, because of the _potential_ that waited in her genes.

Jacob looked back at how those thoughts sounded, and decided that it had to be Rosalie's influence. She might not look it, but the kick-ass female vampire still retained part of the New York Debutante she had once been, and it manifested itself in a love of poetry. Emmett and Jacob were probably the only ones who knew, and Rosalie had threatened his life if he told anyone.

None of this changed the problem, however.

He was going to have to tell the girl who was the centre of his world that he had once thought himself in love with her mother. That he had tried to convince Bella to choose him over Renesme's father. That fear for Bella's life had once caused him to advocate for killing Renesme before she was born.

Ignorance was not an excuse. _Everyone_ knew how Jared's Imprint, Kim, had reacted upon finding out that it was the Imprint, rather than Kim herself, that had caused him to first notice her. The worst part would be if Renesme asked if Jacob would have killed her if he hadn't Imprinted, because Jacob honestly didn't know the answer.

* * *

The conversation didn't go as badly as Jacob had expected.

It was worse.

Every question that Jacob hoped wouldn't come up, like originally wanting to kill her, the contest for Bella's love, whether the Imprint forced the wolves to love someone, or was just Mother Nature's version of dropping hints, and everything else.

There was something very attractive about intelligent women, and Jacob had always loved being able to answer most of Renesme's questions, but right now, he wished that she wasn't so inquisitive. The conversation hurt Renesme at least as much as it hurt him, if not more, and Jacob hated anything that brought his Imprint pain.

After he had finished explaining, Renesme asked him to leave her alone for a while, at least until after she came back from hunting. Jacob didn't need to be told that she wanted to hunt so that she could take her rage out on the wildlife, rather than him. He supposed that he should be grateful that she cared that much, but he couldn't help but worry about her.

He couldn't help but worry if she would come back, or if hunting was just an excuse to get a head start.

His worry only grew worse when he found out that Leah had offered to go with Renesme, just in case. Leah's views on Imprinting, plus an already-conflicted Renesme?

Jacob was doomed.

* * *

Was this what a broken heart felt like?

Leah, who had been on the wrong end of an Imprint relationship herself, was trying to be supportive (read: calling Jacob names and saying that she shouldn't feel pressured into a decision, no matter what she eventually chose to do), but not doing very well.

Renesme appreciated it, really, but Leah wasn't in a position to address the things that were really bothering her. Jacob, an essential part of her life since she was born, had been in love with her mother. Was she second-best to him? A consolation prize since he couldn't have the real thing?

When he discovered that her mother was pregnant, he had thought her an abomination and sided with those who thought she should be aborted or killed as soon as she was born. Was the Imprint the only thing that had changed his mind? Did it force him to love her, or was it something that would have happened anyway?

The Quileute legends only mentioned Imprinting as finding the one you would love forever. Taha Aki's Imprint was named as his Third Wife, his soul-mate, but that didn't really tell you anything. What was Imprinting, in the first place? Was it some mystical occurrence that forced two people to be together, regardless of personal feelings? If Sam and Emily Uley had been given a choice, Emily would have been the bridesmaid, not the bride, and maybe gone on to marry someone else.

Jacob loved her, Renesme knew that much, but was it real, or just a foregone conclusion? She loved him, but was it enough to get past the distrust she was feeling?

She didn't know, and she was scared to find out.

* * *

_A/N: You had to know this chapter was coming. Jacob spends most of three books in obsessive affection over Bella, then imprints on her daughter, despite previously wanting to kill her. Renesme is going to have the doubt that Jacob is biding his time since he failed to kill her initially, or might be using her as a way to be close to her mother, and that is not going to be easy to get over._

_I still don't get how Edward and Bella were so calm about it._

_This chapter isn't as conclusive as the first one, because this pairing always felt wrong to me, and I couldn't figure out how to resolve it. Besides, if Renesme is anything like Bella, she'll avoid dealing with the problem like the plague and try to pretend it never happened._

_If anyone feels like writing an alternate version where it actually gets resolved, feel free and let me know._

_As always, I would love to hear what people think, positive or negative. Even if you think it sucked to hell and back, I would love to know why you thought it was so bad._

_Thanks, Nat._


	3. Claire

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or any of the associated characters. Frankly, if I had, certain characters would have been killed off or regulated to miniscule roles very early in the first book. I also would have studied the dynamics of a healthy, functional relationship before writing the romance._

_Summary: Imprinting on a __baby__? It might have been a mystical force of Destiny, but there was still something seriously twisted and wrong about that._

* * *

**CLAIRE**

Imprinting on a child wouldn't have been so bad a few hundred years ago, when the wolf and his imprint could simply be betrothed until she was older, and nobody would bat an eyelid. In modern-day society, on the other hand, there were so many problems with Imprinting that Quil got a headache just thinking about it.

First, there would be the inevitable questions about paedophilia and cradle-robbing, no matter how he tried to explain that there was nothing sexual about it until and unless Claire wanted it to be. The underlying suspicion would be there, always, and it would hurt Claire. Even if he hadn't Imprinted, Quil probably still would have viewed hurting Claire as unacceptable.

Then there was the fact that he had Imprinted on her when she was _two_, and the Elders could go on about destiny all they liked, but even Quil could recognize that it sounded like a very twisted concept. Even if he hadn't, Emily's reaction would have made it clear. Embry had said that he had met rocks that were more excitable than Emily. After Emily found out about her niece being the newest Imprint, Quil was inclined to agree… if the rock in question was volcanic magma.

Right now, Claire was a little sister, someone to be protected, (and a fact that had stopped Emily and Leah from castrating him) but what would happen when that changed? _Would_ it change at all?

Leah had studied Psychology in Collage, to help herself get over the many issues that had plagued her since her change, her father's death, her break-up with Sam, and to annoy her pack-mates by psycho-analysing them in a kind of revenge for all the times they had complained about her having issues. As if threatening to make them experience menstrual cramps when Paul had made a 'time of the month' crack hadn't been bad enough!

(Of course, when Sam and Jacob had both laid down an "Absolutely Never" Alpha command, she had simply gone and told Rachel Black instead, landing Paul in all kinds of hot water with his own imprint. As it turned out, all females resented such comments, and being an adolescent shape-shifter was not considered an acceptable excuse.)

One of the things she had mentioned was that until the age of five or six, children were very impressionable, their opinions and concepts not so firmly set as in later life. If Claire saw him as an 'Uncle', or a makeshift 'brother', or a protector _now_, when she was too young to think of boys as anything more than friends, would he be set in that role forever? Jacob's Imprint, Renesme, had zoomed through her toddler years in a matter of months, and they still weren't sure how Vampire mating worked, but Claire was a normal human, and all of the other Imprints had been in their teens or early twenties when it happened.

In those cases, it was easy to fall in romantic love after you got over the initial problems. With Claire, it was familial love, a best friend or older brother, and no-one knew if that would ever change.

Sometimes, Quil wondered if it might not be better that way.

Maybe they would both be happy if their relationship stayed as it was, rather than going through the all-kinds-of-awkwardness that had surrounded Jacob and Renesme. There was nothing wrong with being as close as family, even if it was completely platonic and never turned into romance.

Either way, he still had over a decade before he needed to worry about it, and plenty could happen in that amount of time.

* * *

Claire looked over her colour blocks again, not for the first time. Quil was always so pleased and impressed when she showed him something new she had learned, and she could now name and spell all of the colours. Quil would be so proud of how clever and smart she was!

Claire didn't know why her mummy and daddy were always so tense when Quil came to visit. Quil was nice, and played with her without complaining that dolls and dress up was for girls, so she always had someone to be the husband or father when she and her other friends wanted to play House.

Marriage confused Claire, but apparently it was just like being best friends, only for grown-ups. At least, that's what her daddy had said, even if he had looked pale and very worried when she asked him.

Well, grown-up things were for grown-ups, so Claire didn't have to worry about it for a long, long time. She could pay attention to now, and the future would sort itself out. Now, Quill was coming for a visit, and Claire smiled. Quil was her best friend, her big brother, much more fun than her real brother, and he always would be.

* * *

_A/N: Ok, this is the only way I could think of that would make Quil/Claire not Wrong on far too many levels. Quil is a protective older brother when Claire is two, and he stays a protective older brother for the rest of their lives, especially if they remain close while she grows up. The thing about Children being very impressionable is true, by the way._

_I'll offer an example: My parents have some very close friends with two boys about my age. They played Bridge (a card game) together every weekend while I was growing up, so I saw a lot of them. Recently, someone asked if we would ever get together as a couple, since we had known each other for so long. Once Ian and I stopped laughing, we pointed out that we were so much like siblings that a relationship would feel incestuous._

_That is what I think would happen with Claire. Quil would be cemented in her mind as family, which would make romance with him even weirder than it was in the books. The twelve or thirteen year age difference might not mean as much when you're twenty-five and thirty-seven, but at two and sixteen, or even thirteen and twenty-six, it's a pretty big obstacle._

_Anyway, sorry it's so short, but I'd love to hear what you all think._

_Thanks, Nat _


End file.
